- Mood:
blah
coffee with sugar/ milk 100
whole wheat english muffin 120
cream cheese
tuna
soup
2 boiled chicken legs 160
Total
Now, just got to be strong the rest of the night,...
Ok, after all my classes are done , I'm def going to the store and stocking up on a shitload of low sodium broth and I'll make so much fucking soup that my sweetie pie will get sick of it and leave it alone!!! When I lived alone with just me and my daughter, I didn't buy garbage food for in the house. There was lots of soups and lean meats, healthy shit. Now I'm surrounded by 20 kinds of cookies and burritos and fatty nasty shit. It driving me nuts!! Oh, well, off to study and grab a cig before my next class.
- Mood:
determined
I'm so scared that I won't be able to get this weight back off and it will continue to creep up until I'm 169 pounds again. I started to smoke again because I thought maybe that was contributing to my weight gain. I think my real problem is that I moved in with my boyfriend and it's messing up how I eat. Like yesterday I made this big pot of of soup with just mushrooms, scallions, tofu and broth and the whole thing was only 300 calories. I planned on having it for two meals. Well the boyfriend thought it smelled great and ate most of it, so there went my low cal meals. Iended up making a lasagna and a big cake and pigged out on it because he ate all my ana food. The same thing happened a week before when I made my plain boiled chicken wings. He hogged all my healthy food down then I was left with unhealthy shit to binge on. It really pisses me off, I need to explain to him, but it will just make him feel bad.
I was 122 pounds again today and that makes me so sick. All I do anymore is cry. I called this councelor at my school today to set up an appointment because I feel like I'm going nuts. I go to college from 9-2, then I work from 2-11, and then I have all the commuting time wasted, then I have to find time for being a mother and taking a bath and sleeping. I have to get up by 6:20 to get kids ready for school. God, I'm stressing. I always feel like if I was just 112 pounds my life would somehow be so much better. I honestly think it would be. At least it would be one less thing to stress about. Today I will get more of my super low cal soup ingredients and cook it and hide it. Then I'll make a big fatty meal for the fam and try to not be so weak when the smells start floating around the house.
- Mood:
melancholy
Haven't been on here in a long time, decided to try to be healthy. This place was just dragging me deeper into my ed, but here I am again.
I have so much going on in my life right now. I started going to college, I'm 29, so that's been a big adjustment and I still work a full time job. Not to mention that I have three kids at home and all the only shit going on in my life, like still trying to get my divorce finalized, dealing with the idiots that are renting my house because it was going to go into foreclosure if I didn't rent it out and move to an apt. Stressed to the max!
My weight has creeped up to 122 as of this morning and I feel like I'm losing it, Now was not a good time to quit smoking, all I do is cry lately!I just want to run far away, disappear, but three kids and a boyfriend kinda stops me from doin that, lol.
So, I think I'm going to try out that Alli pill. I've heard that it makes you really sick if you eat any unhealthy foods. If I knew that eating unclean was going to make me really sick, then I don't think I'd be reaching for a brownie. Any one ever try Alli?
Also, maybe lugging around a 40 pound backpack all over this fucking campus has caused some muscle weight gain, but it doesn't even matter anyway, the SCALE rules my life. My two scales are always telling me they are accurate and I am indeed getting fatter and fatter!!
Anyone tried alli? Just want to control these binges! If I get really sick everytime I binge that would b great. Is that what happens?
I just acted like an idiot. I was with my boyfriend and we stopped at the store and I was feeling dizzy, so I got one of those single serving bags of chips, and I was eating them and my boyfriend said, "Are those good, hun?". All I heard in my head was, "You fat fuck, why would you eat potato chips when you look so fucking disgusting??!!". So, I poured the chips out the window of the car and cried like an idiot. I feel like such an idiotic bitch. I feel bad for making him feel bad over an innocent question. I am so fucked up. He just kept appolagizing and trying to explain that he thought they tasted good to him too. Sometimes I just hate my crazy ass.
- Mood:
crazy
I weighed in at 116 today. I need to lose 4 pounds before Friday or I'll lose this bet.
I think I'm screwed.
I think I gained because of exercise, damned muscles, lol! No more working out.
I guess I'll try 800 calories a day. My biggest craving I have is for sugary coffee. I'd rather have a big coffee with 12 sugars and milk than a hunk of chocolate!!
I'm so bummed, it's always so hard to lose when I get around this weight. Anyone have any good ideas? Other than fasting completely, I faint.
HELP!!!
I think I'm screwed.
I think I gained because of exercise, damned muscles, lol! No more working out.
I guess I'll try 800 calories a day. My biggest craving I have is for sugary coffee. I'd rather have a big coffee with 12 sugars and milk than a hunk of chocolate!!
I'm so bummed, it's always so hard to lose when I get around this weight. Anyone have any good ideas? Other than fasting completely, I faint.
HELP!!!
- Mood: anxious
For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness, For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people,
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry, For Beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day, For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.
Audrey Hepburn (1929 - 1993)
Current stats:
CW: 115
GW: 110
Woo-hoo! Down 5 lbs in one week, I'm halfway to my goal. Well to win the bet I only need to lose 3 more pounds, but I want to be 110, so I'm going for 5 more lbs. I've been eating pretty much, about 1000 calories a day. The only thing that sucks is that I'm cramping up a bit, I'll have to get some potassium pills today and start taking my multi-vitamin again. I can never remember to take those things. I'm going to have to tho, because my legs are killing me!
CW: 115
GW: 110
Woo-hoo! Down 5 lbs in one week, I'm halfway to my goal. Well to win the bet I only need to lose 3 more pounds, but I want to be 110, so I'm going for 5 more lbs. I've been eating pretty much, about 1000 calories a day. The only thing that sucks is that I'm cramping up a bit, I'll have to get some potassium pills today and start taking my multi-vitamin again. I can never remember to take those things. I'm going to have to tho, because my legs are killing me!
- Mood:
amused
This morning when I weighed in I was almost 120. That's my "panic weight". As far as the bet goes, my boyfriend changed the conditions to 112 lbs, he said he already regrets making a bet with me. I love him so much. But, I still am trying for 110.
I have to eat because of my fainting issues, so I'm sticking to 900 calories a day and if the weight doesn't fall off like I think it will, then I kick it up a notch and restrict to a little less calories.
I did good today, my official start date, 900 calories total.
I have to eat because of my fainting issues, so I'm sticking to 900 calories a day and if the weight doesn't fall off like I think it will, then I kick it up a notch and restrict to a little less calories.
I did good today, my official start date, 900 calories total.
- Mood: amused
Wow, my boyfriend just bet me that I can't get to 110 pounds in three weeks. How fucked up is that. He doesn't understand ed's. He thinks I will be happier when I get to that weight because I always say that's the size I want to be. $100 for losing 8 pounds by March 20th (that's when we leave for vacation).great now, He was careful to point out that he thinks I look great, but he wants me to be happy. I'm so excited, it's like I have permission to starve myself. I'm going for it, I hope I can do it, I really think I can pull it off, we are very competitive with each other so I HAVE to do it. Wish me luck.
- Mood:
excited
I hate this piece of shit computer!!! It never works right, I have a strong urge to send it sailing out my window. I weighed myself this morning, I'm 117. I woild have killed to be this weight last year, I would have made a deal with the devil or something to be this size, but now it disgusts me. Right now everything makes me sick. I feel so obese and stupid and crazy, just disconnected with the world, if I didn't have my Xanax, I think I wouldn't be able to leave my house.
Everyday, I start with the best laid plans, then I end up overeating and get all bummed. This stupid hypoglycemia shit is ruining everything. I don't want to eat, I'm usually not hungry, but the I get dizzy and numb and I have to eat. I hate myself.
I am going on vacation in 3 weeks and will be in a bikini, and I'm going to look like a hippo. I should be excited about this trip, but I'm so consumed by anxiety. It's not even just about the weight, it's everything. I feel like I'm going to explode. I could be sitting in my house relaxing watching a movie or out at a bar dancing or at a party with all my family around me or snuggled up next to my man trying to sleep and suddenly waves of nausea will start, it just feels like I have the stomach flu, but I don't. It's my nerves, I never know when it will start. I just want to be happy and this stupid anxiety won't let me. I cannot control it, no matter how many calm breathes or how many happy thoughts. I'm so fucking frustrated. No one can help me. This is not a suicidal thing, I would never do that, I'm just venting. To go on this trip I will have to be in a xanax haze or I'll be wrenching in the toilet. Does anyone else get this kind of anxiety? It's like I'm just living my life and then I suddenly wake up and realize that it's the present and this is my life and I panic. It's like reality just hits me. I sound like a total fucking nut job! I know I'm not crazy, like schitzo or even bipolar or depressed, I just have this anxiety problem.
I am well aware that most people probably think that I'm thin and pretty nice looking in the face, not model beautiful but not ugly, and I have a good job, with medical benefits, wonderful little girl, newer car, no major financial problems, a great guy who loves me, a cool family. WHY THE FUCK AM I SOOOOO STRESSED OUT, THEN??? I have no good reason to feel this way!!
I'm going to shower, I wish the water good just wash it all away,...
- Mood: confused
I woke up last night soaked in sweat and very ill. I fainted and ended up hitting my face on something, I think it was the door frame. I came to, and I was so confused, like why the hell am I sleeping in the hall and why does my face hurt so bad. So now I have a small black eye and a bruise on my neck. On the plus side, I weighed in at 114.6 this a.m. I thought I was dying last night. I think I learned my lesson, hypoglycemics cannot eat less than 800 calories without getting black eyes. I feel like such an idiot. I think I'm going to make my 112 goal by Friday no problem, I just don't want to be that sick again.
- Mood:
cold
Self Control Tips
Keep a food diary. Write down everything you eat and anything else
you feel might be helpful to know. This will allow you to measure
progress and track patterns over time.
Set yourself rules regarding food. Pick ones that you know you can
follow and stick with them. Then, keeping these, gradually add on
more rules until your eating is entirely under control. It's hard to
restrict yourself all the way at once, and more effective to do it in
increments. The idea here is to sort of sneak up on yourself in tiny
little stages, adapting to each new rule before making another.
Reward yourself, don't punish. Punishment is not effective and will do
more emotional harm than physical good. Calculate how much money
you're saving by not eating and add this up until you have enough to
buy something you like (but not food). Or, put a penny (dollar, marble)
in a jar for every small goal you keep and treat yourself with
something (not food) once you reach a certain amount. Remember
that these rewards will last longer and give more pleasure than food
you would just eat, process, and discard.
Eat slowly, in small bites. Cut your food up into small pieces. Pause
while eating to drink water or whatever other liquid you enjoy. It takes
a while for "full" signals to get from our stomach to our brain. Also, if
you eat over a longer period of time and add more liquids, it can trick
your mind into thinking you've eaten more.
Take out only the amount of food you plan on eating. Wrap everything
securely up before you start eating and put it away. Don't go back for
seconds. Don't nibble while preparing food, either. Those bites and
crumbles add up staggeringly fast.
Think about food before and while you eat it. Think about where it
came from and exactly what happened to it before it reached you. This
works particularly well with meat, dairy, and egg products.
Food associations. Find something that makes you feel vaguely ill or
unpleasant, get a picture of it, and put the picture beside your food.
Switch pictures frequently and make sure to look at the pictures while
you eat. After a while you may began to associate food itself with
unpleasantness, which will make you less inclined to eat.
Give yourself permission before eating. Stop and think about it,
consider if you really want to eat whatever-it-is. If your answer is yes,
then say (or think) something like "I'm allowed to eat this" or "I have
permission to eat this".
Plan your meals in advance, for the day or week or whatever. Decide
what you are allowed to eat each day. If you know that you will be
eating, it may help you avoid eating other things.
If you feel yourself starting to lose control while you're eating, stop.
Set your food down, take a long drink of water or some other cool
liquid, and take a deep breath before resuming eating. This can help
interrupt a slide into binge-mode. Remember to remind yourself that
you are still going to finish your food and that you aren't stopping, just
pausing for a moment.
Sabotage your food. Make it with too much water, too little sugar, an
ingredient you don't care for. Add too much salt or pepper before you
eat. You will eat less of it if it tastes bad.
Pick apart your food cravings. If you eat food in separate parts instead
of all mixed into one, it feels like you've eaten more and you don't get
extra stuff you don't really need. For example, if you're really craving
pizza, think about what it contains. Bread, tomato sauce, cheese.
Drink a can of V8 or eat a tomato. If you still want pizza, have a rice
cake or a few crackers or some other starch. If you still want pizza,
have a piece of cheese. Or if you're craving peanut butter, have a
handful of peanuts and avoid the added sugar and oil contained in
most commercial peanut butter. If that doesn't work, eat a spoonful of
honey for the sweetness overload. Same net effect, fewer total
calories, no wasted empty added crap.
- Mood: cold
I think that I'm going to buy another scale. I'm super paranoid that the one I have is weighing too low. I usually weigh in in the morning without clothes, and then at work with clothes. I can't have 4 or 5 pounds worth of clothes and coffee in me. I get so sad when I weigh in at work. I just weighed myself again for the third time today and I gained 4 pounds since the morning, but I just chugged three glasses of water and have lots of warm clothes on, so that's probably the reason for my gain. I'm such a freak. I'm going to buy a new scale tomorrow just in case. I'd feel more secure having two to go by.
Anyway, I'm restricting my calories today. 1100 at the most. I know that's alot, but after my pigout session, I'm easing back into things. Tomorrow, I'll have a 1000, then Sunday I'll have 900.
Anyway, I'm restricting my calories today. 1100 at the most. I know that's alot, but after my pigout session, I'm easing back into things. Tomorrow, I'll have a 1000, then Sunday I'll have 900.
- Mood:
numb
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